My beloved 2011 Honda Civic is gone. This wonderful commuter car that hummed along the Bay Area freeways consuming only 35 mpg, proudly displaying 200k miles on her odometer…is dead.

I purchased my late Honda in 2014 for around $10k. It was used and had 75k miles on it. I got lucky a few years after buying the car and an insurance company paid off the car early for me. Having two cars paid off has been a joy for the last five years. Two, being the key word here.

My wife works and she drives one of our two cars daily. I’m in the privileged position to have a company vehicle that I drive. So we always have one extra car at home for emergencies. I don’t like the idea of having one car that we own between two working adults, because what if I get fired or the truck is taken from me? How will I get to work? How would I even go looking for work?

The second car is a back up. Much like an emergency savings account. Hopefully its not needed, but I sure don’t want to be caught in a situation where I do need my own car to get to work.

So now that my Honda is likely dead. Broken in front of my home. I know the engine is gone, yet a part of me still wants to take it to the mechanic for confirmation of its death. A totally preventable death. Driven with low oil, the little engine that could car broke down on Highway 4 a few days ago while my wife was coming home from work. A $350 dollar tow later to my home, it’s been sitting there for the last few days as I mourn her.

I’ve known that the car had been leaking oil more than usually lately. And I’ve been checking the oil levels of the car intermittently to be sure it never got too low. But alas, the car was driven when it shouldn’t have been, and pushed too far without checking or regarding the oil level.

As a formally trained mechanic from the Navy, it pains me beyond words to have to say one of my vehicles died because of no oil. I’ve broken down and rebuilt engines from a block. Inserted pistons and their rings into cylinders. Lubricated and fired up engines that I’ve built with my own hands. I know well the importance of oil. The lifeblood of an engine. Engine oil is more important than gasoline or diesel. It’s more important than the oxygen the engine breathes. Without oil, the engine will mercilessly self destruct.

I’m stuck between what I should do now. Yesterday I finally started the car since it was towed home. I added in oil and changed the battery. I had my fingers crossed that maybe it was only the battery, since after trying to start it, the vehicle was acting as if the battery had given out. The brake was depressed, the ignition rapidly clicked, along with a flickering dash display. A small sliver of hope emerged that maybe it was a simple $250 dollar fix for a new battery, and the oil was just embarrassingly low, but not the cause of the break down.

I changed the battery and the lovely and innocent Honda fired right up. Could it be? I wondered.

But no. After revving the engine up, it began to furiously knock and screech, as if a small mechanical beast were trapped under the hood of the car. I took it around the block but it acted as if it were going to die, struggling mightily. I turned the car around in defeat and parked it back in front of my house.

Maybe I can donate it? Maybe strip it down and sell parts online?

I’ve been in a foul mood the last few days as I’ve struggled with this unfortunate death of my car. I know I should be happy for all the good and money saving this Honda gave me in the past. I just know that she had many more years in her, at least enough to take me to retirement then I could see her or give her away to a family member. I’m upset because it didn’t have to happen. My laziness in not taking the Civic to a mechanic, instead of just checking the oil levels, is the ultimate cause of this incident, not driving it without oil.

The thought of purchasing a new car is what’s really bothering me, because I don’t need another car. I want another car, just for a back up. I don’t like feeling dependent upon an employer for a wage, let alone a vehicle. Not to mention the thousands I’ll have to spend on the car, then a higher registration, and likely higher insurance.

Since the car broke down I’ve already spent $605 bucks on the tow and new battery. If I tow her to a mechanic that’ll be another few hundred. Then the diagnostic, a hundred or so, solely to confirm what I already know. Then the tow back, another two hundred. So, I could be out another $500-$600 just on confirmation of the Honda’s death. I won’t entertain an engine rebuild. Just wouldn’t be worth it.

I’m leaning towards donation of the Honda, the kind where they pick her up from my house and I can be done with it. A clean cut good bye.

Do I take the risk and not buy another car to replace her? I’ll surely save money upfront.

Right now the Honda Civic costs me:

• $150 annually on registration
• $101 monthly on insurance.
• A grand total of $1362 a year.

I have probably two to three years left before I can FIRE and start travel full time. So I might save ~$2700 or so in total if I don’t replace the car.

Sounds okay. Not any FIRE altering numbers here, but some decent change.

But it’s not just me to consider. If something ever happens to my remaining car, even a minor breakdown, my wife will need transportation to work.

So this is where I’m at. Slyly searching car prices. Pondering away about what I’ll do. Figuring out what if scenarios if we suddenly need another vehicle.

The good thing in all this? I have money saved up. It’ll take one good weekend and I can have a $10k car purchased with a credit card and then sell stocks to pay off the card. It’s as simple as that. Yet it pains me more than it should just thinking about it.

If I’m honest with myself, this incident is just another reminder that shit happens long the way. Even things in our control can go astray due to complacency. Our lives are nothing more than our reactions to events both in and out of our control. How we choose to respond to events matters a great deal more than what actually happened when the dust settles. Which is why I’m upset with myself for letting this issue with the Civic control my emotions more than it should. I certainly can respond to what happened better than my bad mood in the last few days.

Last night, while I lay in bed thinking this over, it suddenly occurred to me that I was agonizing over a car. A stupid car. How important in the grand scheme of life is a replaceable car? Wasn’t it just a few months and weeks ago (even now) I was visiting with a neurologist and getting MRI’s, and worried sick that I may have some degenerative disease that might disable me or kill me? Things could be much worse indeed. I woke this morning with a promise to myself to be better with my reactions to broken machines. I decided to write out this whole ordeal in hopes it helps me move on.

This loss of my car, can it not be be viewed as a form of liberation? A step in my personal right direction? I want less, not more. Less material things certainly. And not having another car to maintain means I’m free to do and pay for other things. One less car means less responsibility and more freedom. Our possessions can own us at times. This Honda Civic of mine, with the way its imposed herself on my mood, has certainly owned me the past few days.

I’m still not certain of what I’ll do. Will I sleep better at night having a car just sitting there solely waiting for an emergency, or will I sleep better knowing that I’m free from one less material thing I must maintain and form a weird attachment to? As I write this out, the freedom of owning one less car sounds more and more appealing.

For now I’ll continue marching forward as always. Saving money each week. Dependent as ever on my employer. All the while knowing that things will be okay in the long run. It’s just a car after all. It’s just money. Money comes and it goes. The stock market rises and falls. This is why I save money in the first place, it isn’t only for freedom from work. It’s freedom from struggle. Freedom from worry about material things. I’ve constructed a well made safety net on this path, sometimes I need reminding of that. Looking down is just as important as looking up when we’re climbing this ladder.