Dream Rebalancing

Posted On January 5, 2022

Something unexpected happened a few weeks ago: I killed one of my longest standing dreams.

The murder of this dream turned goal wasn’t made in haste or with a burning emotion in my chest. I spent nearly a week mulling it over. Contemplating its repercussions. Sleeping on it. Waking up at night thinking of how my life would be without this thing that I’d been living with for nearly two decades.

I’m still in mourning of sorts. It’s something that I think will take time to get over, and there’s a chance I will never get over it. But in killing this dream or goal or aspiration–whatever you want to call it–I have my eyes on the bigger prize.

You see, I killed a work dream. A career path goal. A job title. I’m no longer on the path I’d started out on at work. No longer looking ahead to the long-term benefit of a career-oriented self. The destination has changed. So my navigation through life has changed along with it.

Through my red and squinting short timer eyes, I know I only have a handful of years of work left…so why not take the path of least resistance? Why not allow some dreams of mine associated with work drift away? At some point I’ll have to come face to face with letting go of the last threads of my work identity, why not start now?

This ‘kill’ option occurred in a conference room as I had a sit down to do my annual review with my boss. If you’re a regular reader, you may know that I’ve been on temporary duty in the main office conjuring up schedules, rather than running job sites as a superintendent. It’s been a long-standing plan for me to return to the field in January.

“I’d like for you to stay on doing schedules. I can create a career path for you. You are doing a good job.” For brevity, this is what I was told. My boss also mentioned that I didn’t have to answer now, as I’m sure he could see the surprise on my face.

Of course, I’d imagined doing what I’m doing now as a full-time permanent job. A sort of what if my life were like this daydream, all the while knowing I’d eventually return to a job site. Looking back over the last year of this scheduling, I can see a bunch of angst and frustration came from thinking I was doing a temporary job, and my real line of work was somewhere ahead of me lingering like storm clouds in the distance.

Stay on doing schedules? That would mean I wouldn’t be a superintendent then, right?

This is what I’d fought and scratched my way forward for, for years. For this title. My father was a superintendent. I’m following in his footsteps, was following in his footsteps. So was my uncle. And my little brother and some cousins. This is what my family does. We’re builders.

How could I suddenly give it all up? The title. The ego. The responsibility. My work identity. Of course, that’s the big plan, with FIRE and all.

But at the moment of being offered the new role, when these thoughts were swirling around, it was a giant pill to swallow.

It’s not glamorous giving up my superintendent status. I feel like Cougar in the movie Top Gun, handing in my wings to the CO after having a bad time getting back on the carrier. But I didn’t have a rough time getting back on the carrier, I need to remind myself that.

There’s a prestige associated with running a job as a superintendent and not being an “office guy” is a thing of pride among project superintendents…and my family.

Scheduling is a hidden skill I didn’t know I had till I was put into this role. I’ve always enjoyed a good puzzle, and scheduling isn’t much different than figuring out a puzzle. But figuring out puzzles is not the allure or driving factor in my decision to become a scheduler. The work-life balance it affords me did. I don’t rely on anyone but myself these days at work. They basically give me a due date and I can produce the product in my own time however and wherever I see fit. I can also work remotely and therefore be there with my kids.

I’ve seen my kids more than ever this past year doing schedules. I drop them off at school and pick them up. I’m not stuck in commute traffic anymore. I can’t remember the last time I argued with anyone about cleaning up or staying on schedule this past year…except with my 4-year-old. I noticed I’ve been much happier recently, which I think I can attune to this scheduler gig. Life is good.

So yeah, I went back to my boss a week after he proposed the offer to me and told him yes, I’ll stay on doing schedules.

I see this choice as a prep for early retirement. A winding down. A time for reflection and questioning of who I am when removed from a work title. The stress of my job and the commuting was a giant factor in my pursuit of FI, both of these leading drivers of unhappiness have now been removed…magically it seems. Though FI will always be the goal. It’s nice having some major stress makers tossed to the wayside for the time being.

Who knows where this new road will take me. Maybe I’m opening up some future doors I have no idea exist at the moment? Maybe I can continue to do a schedule here or there remotely after I’ve pulled the full-time work plug and hit the road? Deep down this decision feels right for my future self. I can see myself as an old man asking why I would have chosen to work more hours, for a stupid title, rather than spend more time with my kids.

Beware what you wish for…is an old phrase that I’d heard years ago and it applies perfectly to this case. I can remember over the years distinctly watching office guys traveling to work on the streets of San Francisco, as I watched from the working deck of a highrise, freezing my butt off in the wind and rain or under the burning summer sun, cuts and bruises on my body, covered in grease and sawdust. Must be nice to get paid to just enter things into a computer and be nice and warm while doing it, I’d think to myself.

Well, here’s your wish…

Dream and Goal Rebalancing

After just doing my annual portfolio rebalancing in December, I couldn’t help but compare rebalancing asset allocations to the dreams or goals we have in life. Maybe our goals don’t need to shift as often as portfolios, but they shouldn’t remain untouched either.

I think there comes a time in one’s life when dream rebalancing must be done. There’s simply not enough room in life to accommodate all of our dreams. Most of the time I think it happens organically, we sort of ‘forget’ what we wanted in life. Other times, we hold onto a specific dream or version of it and it becomes a source of frustration and agony. We suffer because of the want of ‘the dream’, and in holding onto old dreams and goals, we suffer as the things in our life change and refuse to shift with them.

I know that’s my case at least. From the time when I was a kid watching Top Gun over and over and felt it in my bones that I’d be a fighter pilot flying F-14’s off aircraft carriers. Those childhood dreams are much easier to pull the plug on than the ones we harbor as an adult.

I still have a few dreams left in me that feel larger than life. Like my FIRE dream. Or my nomadic globe trotting dream. Or building my own house by hand in some forest. Alas, the senior super dream must be buried next to my fighter pilot, baseball player dreams. The funny part is that I didn’t purposely pursue ending this dream right now, this was supposed to happen when I quit for good. And who knows, I could be told in a few months I have to go back to the field…or I’m fired…or whatever. Nothing is permanent. But for all of us, we can only walk through doors that have become available to us, and I’m walking through this one. Even if it kills a dream. I’ll take solace in my belief that whenever we kill a dream or a goal we get closer to making another a reality.

EDIT Update August 2022: Well, well, well, here’s a surprising twist. I’m now a senior superintendent and running a project, albeit with a different company. I just reread this old post of mine and thought that an edit was due, since my dream didn’t die after all. Life is truly full of surprises. You think you’re heading one way and boom, the rug is pulled out from under you, sort of what happened to me. See, my old company reneged on the deal, wanted to send me to work under a guy who has way less experience than me, and on a job 90 miles away. So yeah, I jumped ship and reignited my dream, well, as it happens, I made my dream a reality. And got more money in the process.

Happy New Year!

What about you? How often do you rebalance the dreams and goals that inhabit your mind? Is it ever a conscious effort for you? Or a choice? Maybe I’m just forcing myself to believe we can make the choice of killing and making dreams and goals, time and experience does a good job at it too.