The Edge of Discipline

Posted On March 15, 2024

I’ve noticed a change to my daily routine that I can’t really explain and I’m not sure whether to embrace or fight. The problem started in January and has yet to resolve itself. The change is; I don’t get up as early as I used to. I sleep in an extra 45 minutes each day. Which doesn’t sound like much, but in the morning, when every minute counts to get on the road before the commute and be at the office by 6am, I might as well be sleeping in 2 hours more than usual. I haven’t changed what time I go to sleep. I just can’t find it in me to get out of bed at my normal time like I’ve done for years.

I wonder sometimes, as I lay in bed, knowing I should be pulling the blankets off, if old age has anything to do with it. I’m 40 now and I really feel the effects of not getting good sleep. Maybe it’s age. Maybe it’s my body telling my mind that it’s had enough of dark crisp early mornings. Two decades of rising at 4 am consistently seems like a fair run my body seems to be desperately trying to tell me.

Could it be my recent unhappiness at work? Stuck behind a desk doing the most unfulfilling work I’ve ever done. It’s almost torture to just sit there with not much to do, staring at the clock, yet I can’t really ask for more, because there’s not more to give. Times are slow. I dread going to work now. Dread the sterile office environment. The chit chat all day long by office workers. The quiet taping of fingers on keyboards. Clicks of mouses. This is pre-construction life with my job not slated to start till August at earliest.

Could it be that I’ve just gotten lazy?

Is the mattress I bought last year too comfortable for my own good?

This waking up early is not a unique struggle for humanity. Humans 1,900 years ago struggled with rising to meet the work day. I used to keep a copy of Meditations next to my bed and would peruse it randomly before going to sleep. One of the many underlined passages that has stuck with me has to do exactly with my own new problem. Here it is below straight from the hand of an emperor in CE 175:

“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?”

So you were born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?“

Marcus Aurelius- Meditations

That’s right.

We weren’t born to feel all nice and cuddly under the blankets. As I type this I feel the power of Marcus’ words like the resounding order of a drill sergeant. I agree with him.

But tell me this same thing at 4:00 AM when I’m sleepy eyed and the temperature is in the 40’s and I might feel a bit different.

I guess I’m a bit disappointed in myself for not keeping the tempo. The first time I woke early for a job, like really early, was when I was 18 years old and at MEPS, or Military Entrance Processing Station. Quite a shock for a teen who was used to sleeping in till noon if allowed. Anyway, MEPS is a one night stay with the military before you go to boot camp. It’s where you’re given a bunch of physical exams, interviews and then take the ASVAB test. You get there the afternoon before and spend the night. The day starts early and I remember getting woken up at 3am in my hotel room. It was dark out and cold. Little did I know this early life would be my routine for the next 20 years.

Early mornings were drilled into me for the next few years. There was no snooze button option. Just a splash of water on the face, a quick shave, and off I was. I learned quickly that the Navy believes 6 hours of sleep is all a human needs to function.

When I transitioned to civilian life things didn’t change much. From carpenter to management, the be at work by 6am drum has always been a steady rhythm to which I live my life. My dislike of rushing to work in the morning always led me to getting to work early and just sitting in the car for a few minutes to sort of mentally prepare for the day.

I still make it to work on time nowadays, despite my extra 45ish minutes of sleep. It’s just a more rushed than usual. To make up for my laziness in the morning, I’ve stopped meditating before making coffee. I’ve also eliminated my morning routine off sitting down at my kitchen table to have my coffee before getting into the truck. I don’t like it yet I keep doing it.

My early rising even translated over to the weekends, where I would get up early to write before my family awoke. Lately, even this weekend time to write has diminished.

As I write this out I’m realizing that it’s probably not even really the sleeping in an extra 45 minutes that bothers me, it’s the lack of self discipline that I’m allowing into my life. It’s like a disease. And I’m worried it will spread and fester if not addressed.

Discipline has been my super power in this financial independence period of my life. It’s what I used to cut down on spending and up my savings. It’s what I used to keep throwing money each week into two bear markets. And finally, it’s what I used to do four plus years alcohol free.

Could it be my discipline is waning? What’s next? More spending? Less investing? Less hard work?

I’m a creature of habit, and when my routine changes for no good reason, I worry what’s next. I find that if I start my day out right, and with a bit of a challenge, everything that follows is smooth. Lately things haven’t been so smooth during the day, and I wonder if it is stemming from my out of order mornings.

I feel my grasp on doing what’s difficult, no matter what, starting to soften. Maybe I should reread a few pages from Marcus Aurelius’s timeless philosophy book. I find myself these days at the edge of discipline and the consequence of what lies beyond self control. And it’s not a comfortable place to be.

Memento Mori

I recently read the book “Die With Zero” to see what all the commotion was in the PF community about this book. Seems every blogger and podcaster has an opinion on the book. With most of the larger mouthpieces in the FIRE world seemingly won over by this new spend now philosophy. To be honest, I listened to the book in audio format on my commute, using the app Libby, which allowed me to rent it free from my library.

Anyway, this irrational fear of losing my self discipline reminded me about this book. I’ll give a quick take on it since I’m on the subject of discipline.

How does discipline and Die with Zero tie together? Well, the book is pretty much telling you to drop your self control and spend or give away your money now.

I can see how the book is a wake up call to those who are living life passively. Or those who are rich and don’t spend their money. It just didn’t hit home for me.

You have to remember, the author who wrote it is extremely rich. He’s a hedge fund manager who embraces a YOLO-lite approach to living. This book can really screw people up who are early on in their money journey. There’s some pretty bad money advice in this book, like not saving money in your first years working because you will make more money down the road. I guess this author has never heard of the power of compound interest, and has no clue that the earlier your money is invested the more powerful it becomes. I think the author’s mind is just warped by his wealth. He means well, but can’t relate to average people. He thinks because he’s made it, that everyone will have the type of wealth and advantages he’s encountered in his life.

If there’s any good take away from the book (there’s a few), for me it’s the constant reminder that death is looming and that once it comes no amount of money matters. The author has an app on his phone that counts down to his projected death date.

Morbid?

A bit. But I like the concept. As someone who steers away from thoughts of death and despises hospital visits and funerals because it brings into view my own mortality, there is a benefit in facing head on this looming ticking date with death.

The stoics have a saying called “memento mori”, which translates to remember you will die. The philosophy of using death as a guiding principle doesn’t just end with the stoics. Christianity in particular, especially during the Middle Ages, took a heavy focus on death and preparation for this event. In the east, there is heavy attention given to ancestors and meditation techniques where you imagine losing things or people you love. Even in my own culture, the Day of the Dead is a time to dedicate time thinking about those who are gone, and in turn your own eventual demise.

It’s good to have a reminder that you won’t last forever when making day to day decisions. I wonder if I’ll regret sleeping in and rushing in the mornings when I’m an old man? Or am I just worrying about things that don’t matter in the big scheme of life?

I’ve noticed now that I go through periods in my career where I truly dislike my work environment. I have ups, like 2023 where work was an awesome place to be. And then how 2024 is starting out, lows, where all I can do is daydream about the day I don’t have to work anymore.

I’ve found the more I’m unhappy at work, the more it trickles out and invades all aspects of my life. Not just work. It makes me embrace FIRE even more and want to rush towards it full steam ahead.

And if work is satisfying and self fulfilling, my mind shifts to thinking; there’s no rush to quit work. I can keep working and save a little bit more. Which is how I felt last year.

In this regard FIRE is sort of a coping mechanism for me. It’s something out there in the future. Better than here and now. Magical in its awesomeness. A place where nothing bad happens and I’ll never be unhappy. Kind of like having a vacation planned some weeks or months ahead. It’s something to look forward to and a reason for not having to think about today.

In a way its a drug.

That’s right. The thought of financial independence to a daydreamer is kind of like a drug. It eases the pain of unhappiness at work.

The thought of one day saying ‘fuck work I’m out’ helps me get through the workday when I’m having a bad one. It’s like taking a hit of drug and suddenly whatever is bothering me about work eases up a bit. And I’ll admit, it’s not healthy to focus too much on the future. After all, the future is just a made up fantasy. While I’m very close to hitting my FI number, I don’t have a clue or control over when this will really happen.

Using Memento Mori helps draw me back into the present. It makes me grateful. There’s a lot that both stoic and eastern philosophy can give to someone who is living under the shadow of delayed gratification. Whether it’s using zen to be more mindful or Marcus Aurelius’ powerful writing. I’m happy to have found both FIRE for my future and certain philosophic mechanisms for enjoying the present. Used together they keep me flying somewhere in the middle.

As for my newfound problem with getting my morning routine back in order, I’m challenging myself to get this routine back on track and slap myself out of this funk I’m in. Tomorrow is new day. Another chance at popping out of bed on the first go (seems this is a recurring problem for me every so often). Meditating in the morning. Sitting down to mindfully enjoy a cup of coffee before heading out on the crammed Bay Area freeways.

Well, actually, as I type this it’s Friday, and tomorrow is Saturday. So maybe tomorrow is not the day to start up the morning routine again. I get a few more days to enjoy my middle aged sleep renaissance.

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